This is the continuation of a post from a couple of weeks ago in response to a request to know more of who I am, outside of a life coach. I decided to structure this task in an interview format, addressing what I would want to know about someone I'm just meeting.

What don’t you enjoy?
Eww. I don’t like cleaning up and putting things away. This is something I’ve made a conscious and concerted effort to improve within the past year, and I have been successful--but it is a work in progress. I’ve discovered and created techniques and tricks that facilitate being neater, and they really help! I dislike cardio workouts. I am not athletic, and tend to be sedentary. If something requires a lot of physical exertion with subpar payoff, I’m not a fan. I have a limited diet, which I really dislike with my love of food; there are a lot of things I can’t eat that I wish I could. Although emails are a necessity and can be convenient, I don’t enjoy tending to them.
 
What are three important lessons you’ve learned?
This is a biggie! 1.) If you commit, persevere, try, and put in the time, you can overcome weaknesses and things that are a problem and actually turn them into a skill and a strength. I’ve experienced this a couple of times: I was diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disorder in high school (terribly late because I was able to compensate for it until that point). I worked terribly hard at my writing, and was fortunate to have skilled mentors who helped me overcome my challenges with writing. When I took my GRE’s (the test you take after college to get into grad school), I had a 4.5 on the writing section, and 4.5-5 was the highest rating you could get.
2.) Self-love is so important. At some point, people will likely reject you, exclude you, hurt you, judge you, make fun of you, etc. Ultimately, you are the one person you have, from the beginning of your life to the end of your life. What other people say and do can and will affect you, but at the end of the day, other people don’t matter because you are the executive of your life and you are the person experiencing your life. If you don’t love yourself and only look outward for acceptance and love, you are giving who-knows-who a lot of power over your life experience. Know who you are, know who you want to be, and love yourself- flaws and all. The best life is going to be the one that you choose based on your values, not one that you create based on being pushed, pulled, and controlled by others. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else; you will be too consumed looking for and needing that person’s love to be able to give freely and accept the love that they have for you. You have to know you’re worthy of being loved! 3.) You gotta dig in and face it. Avoiding whatever it is will not make it go away. Distracting yourself is not going to make it go away. It will only fester, maybe get worse, or have additional negative consequences. There is a time and place for avoidance and distraction, but it is not a long-term solution. Being able to tolerate and “work with” uncomfortable feelings at times is part of a healthy life. AND I’m adding a fourth: 4.) It is okay to say “No” and set limits!

What is your philosophy of life?
I’ve spent much time since I was very young thinking about the meaning of life. Although I still don’t know, I’ve logically concluded for now that a good life is one that you enjoy and one where you give back. That logical reasoning also vibes with me at an emotional level, and it’s what guides much of what I do.

There are still a few questions as part of my interview, which I will save for a later post. If there are any questions you'd like to add to my interview, please let me know, and I will include them!

Loss is an inevitable part of life. We experience loss in many ways, beyond the death of a loved one. For example, we can experience loss with our health, relationships that end, or with our career.

Impermanence is the nature of life. Our world is always changing; sometimes that means we permanently lose what has had a meaningful presence to us.
As is our nature, like almost every other mammal, we are built for attachments at the neurological level (oxytocin, vasopressin, etc). Although our primary attachments are likely to people, we can be attached to more than just people: ideas, activities, objects. Adjusting to a loss that has been a big part of our lives affects us at a core level. There is a piece of our world that is missing. Some of the thoughts that we habitually think are no longer relevant; what we normally expect every day will not happen; the behaviors we have routinely engaged in will not happen. All of these changes affect how we feel.

What can be even more startling, buried under the actual loss, is being faced with the reality that our worlds can change so quickly; what we depend and rely on can disappear.  Although we might not be consciously aware of it, I think that “losing” in and of itself—separate from whatever the actual loss is—is unsettling and can threaten our safety and security. We have beliefs about who we are, how our world is, and what our future will be like. We function every day according to these beliefs. When a chunk of this falls out, especially when the loss is unexpected, it can really shake us. We have to get through the days, mourn the loss, and re-work our worlds.

When we re-work our worlds, it needs to be with awareness and intention. We need to reconstruct and put together a world that accommodates the loss, but also so the loss does not steal from our future. Every loss can be a learning and growing experience. Learning and growing from a loss does not take away the hurt and the pain. However, approaching the loss from a learning perspective helps us to recalibrate our world in a way that is healthier and better for us, as opposed to developing a world that is bitter, pessimistic, and cynical. Avoiding re-working our worlds isn’t helpful; this results in being stuck. We can also choose to look at the glass half full: we had something to lose. We will always have the memories. We got to experience *that* (whatever it was) in our life. It wasn’t forever, which would be divine, but we did have it—and it was good while it was. Appreciate it, savor the memories, feel the pain, and then focus on creating your new world.

We are behooved to engage life in a way that appreciates the present, expects impermanence, knows there will be pain, and knows it will lessen; we also need to know that we can adjust after a loss--our worlds are not over, but have shifted. Being mindful of these these things and practicing them can offer comfort and peace in a life that has changes and losses. Every loss provides a lesson, and an opportunity.

Feelings and beliefs are a big push and pull in our lives. Often we have beliefs how x will make us feel—sometimes they are accurate, other times not. Additionally, sometimes we should have expectations about how x is likely to make us feel, and we don’t—or, we have those expectations, but ignore them. There are always unknowns, embracing uncertainty, and taking calculated risks are part of life. At the same time, being attuned to reality and consciously choosing what pushes and pulls you is important for getting the most of what you want out of your life without getting lost or stuck places where you don’t want to be.

We might not always be aware of it, but our expectations (belief/assumption) of what will make us feel a certain way can significantly affect what we seek and what we avoid. Sometimes our expectations of how something will affect our feelings is accurate; other times our expectations are not accurate. Having inaccurate expectations of how something will make us feel might simply mean over- or underestimating the intensity of the feeling we think we will have. For example, there has been a time when you’ve dreaded something you’ve had to do, and, afterwards, it felt as negative or uncomfortable as expected. However, there have also been times when you’ve dreaded something you’ve had to do, but you realize afterwards that it didn’t make you feel as uncomfortable or negative as you expected. These beliefs about how x will make us feel can determine much of our behavior, and sometimes they aren’t even accurate.

By the same token, sometimes, based on experience, we know how something will likely make us feel—our beliefs and expectations are accurate—but we ignore what we know and do the opposite of the “logical” action which would either increase our positive feelings or decrease our negative feelings. For example, you might realize you have patterns of going into the same kind of relationship when all the other similar types of relationships you have entertained have had the same, unwanted outcome that results in pain. Or maybe you know that saying, “Yes” to working those extra, unnecessary hours will leave you feeling physically ragged and bring extra stress, but you choose to work them anyways.

Ultimately, we need to be aware of the expectations we have of going different directions and check their accuracy. Similarly, when we make decisions and go different directions, we need to be aware of potential likely outcomes—based on reality, not our belief system. There is no way of predicting the future or absolutely knowing how something will affect us. However, it is critical that we are aware of our expectations and choices, checking the accuracy of our expectations, considering likely outcomes, and making purposeful decisions based on what we know is accurate. Life is too precious to have your choices be swayed by inaccurate perceptions or have your path unfold by walking blindly.

There are a few important factors to consider when you’re thinking about starting to work with a life coach, aside from the obvious one: can my coach help me with the goal I want to pursue? Here are five questions to ask yourself before starting with a life coach.

1. Am I ready?

Life coaching is about change and growth. True change starts with the ability to acknowledge where you are, where you want to go, what will help you get there, and what will challenge you on your way. Life coaching can help you identify these four things, but you have to be able and willing to look at them. You also have to be determined to get where you want to go. No life coach will move you to your goal. You are the person who walks the path; your life coach helps you read the map and find the way.

      2.   Do I have the time?
Life coaching takes time and requires consistency. Only start life coaching when you have the time for it. If you don’t have at least two hours every other week for life coaching, talk with a life coach about how can make time in your schedule, see if your schedule will be “winding down” any time soon and wait until then, or look at taking a something off your plate. Changing and growth require consistent attention and effort, which also means you need to put in the time.

      3.   Am I willing to make a commitment?
Not only does life coaching require time, it also requires a commitment. Whether the commitment is for a few meetings or the commitment is several months for deep coaching, you need to be willing to stick with what you start.

      4.   Do I have a coach who respects me and with whom I think I can develop a healthy working relationship?
After an initial coaching session, you will hopefully have an idea of who your coach is, whether you felt your coach respected you, and if you will be able to communicate openly with your coach and work together. Do not feel pressured to continue with a coach after an initial session if you don’t think your coach can help you or if you don’t like the coach. The coaching relationship is the gatekeeper of the value in life coaching.

       5.   What structure works for me?
There are many different ways coaches offer services: over the phone, in-person, Skype, etc. Some coaches have very flexible schedules; others might not coach in the evening or certain times of day. Different coaches also have different payment structures. It is important to find a coach whose times, method of coaching (in-person, phone, etc), and fees work for you. If you have any special concerns, such as privacy, flexibility of scheduling, or concerns about payment, it is important to address these with your coach before starting coaching so you are both on the same page and have the same expectations.

Research suggests that after perusing Facebook, people experience a decrease in mood. After all, most people post the highlights of their life and their best selfies on Facebook, not the worst parts of their day or the picture that gets permanently deleted. It’s a natural tendency to compare ourselves to each other; scrolling down your newsfeed and seeing the best parts of everyone else’s life can easily leave you asking “What about my life? I’m not doing x, y, or z that so-and-so and such-and-such is. What do I have?” So, how do you make Facebook a more positive experience?

Facebook can be a positive experience, but there are guidelines to make sure you benefit from it:

1. No comparing yourself to the next guy! This is an absolute “no.” Comparing yourself to others, on Facebook or in life, will almost never benefit you.
2. Second, spend more time on your page and close friends’ pages than on the newsfeed. Look back at your old pictures of good times and reminisce about them. See what inspirational or meaningful quotes you posted within the past month as status updates; see what friends posted to your wall. Comment on a friend’s timeline with a “thinking of you” message. Doing each of these things is likely to leave you with positive feelings.
3. Use Facebook’s “You have memories with _______ back on this day” feature that automatically shows you your activity on the same date from previous years. It’s a trip down memory lane. If there are good memories with someone, reach out to that person and share in reminiscing together—research shows that reminiscing with friends and loved ones increases happiness.
4. Only post “feel-goods,” neutral things, or things that are meaningful to you. Facebook is not an opportunity to share the worst thought you’ve had all day, nor is it a healthy outlet for your anger about the person who just stole your parking spot. (There are plenty of other ways to vent without using Facebook). Make your Facebook a place for you and your positives; think of it as an online feel-good diary. Use it to focus on the positives in your life, what is special and meaningful to you, and what you want to remember.
5. Use Facebook to connect with your friends—not stalk your acquaintances who  don’t play an important role in your life; it’s a waste of your time and will not make you feel happier. Reach out to friends you don’t talk to as often as you want to, post something funny to a friend’s timeline, or send someone a message. Not only are you connecting with that person, which strengthens the relationship and feels good, but you’re also giving something to that person, which also feels good! We all like to know someone was thinking of us and cared enough to reach out.

I have a challenge for you. I would like for the Facebook page for Paragon Life Coaching to be flooded with positives from people’s days. I want it to be an opportunity for each individual to focus on the positives in his or her life that day, whether it seems big or small. The point of this “exercise” is not to judge whatever the positive is as “big” or “little,” but to recognize the glass as half full more.

As I have written my own personal “positives” on the Facebook page for Paragon Life Coaching, I can tell you that it actually takes courage: you are sharing something with potentially *everyone.* Additionally, what is an accomplishment for you that you genuinely feel good about, such as buying back-up toilet paper, being assertive with your significant other, making the doctor appointment you’ve been putting off, washing your car, smoking 3 cigarettes instead of 5, playing with your dog, parallel parking perfectly, going out of your comfort zone and trying a new kind of food, the cup of coffee you enjoyed, holding the door open for someone, exercising—whatever it is--might seem like it’s not worth posting—BUT IT IS! These positives are not to be judged and they are not points of comparison for others; posting these things is about recognizing and celebrating the things in your life that make you feel good, regardless of how big or little they seem. If you want to be happier, you must remember that happiness is not about what happens to you or what you have--how big or little everything is, happiness is about how you see. I hope you accept this challenge and share the feel-goods in your day on the timeline on Paragon Life Coaching's Facebook page!

What is positive psychology?
Positive psychology focuses on strengths and flourishing. It is about taking the average life experience and making it better, making it extraordinary.

Why positive psychology for coaching?
The majority of people get through life, despite ups and downs. There are plenty of people functioning fine, not experiencing noteworthy distress, but who are not really taking full advantage of what life has to offer. They are getting through their days, are lost in their days, subject to a routine they ended up in, not aware of how to relish the time they have, or whatever the case is. These people likely have fun, have relationships, and enjoy things, but it is not what it could be. It is not exceptional. Positive psychology is about taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary.

If positive psychology is about fulfillment, maximizing potential, and life satisfaction, and life coaching is for improving yourself and your life, they are a perfect match! Aside from the shared ideas and purposes of positive psychology and coaching, positive psychology uses research. This means that there is scientific evidence showing the effectiveness of strategies, which is very important if you are hiring a life coach and want your coach to be working with you in ways that are effective and yield change. Positive psychology also has a host of research to improve the nature and effectiveness of the actual coaching relationship, too. Lastly, positive psychology complements other approaches to life coaching. It works well in conjunction with a cognitive-behavioral approach, motivational interviewing, mindfulness, and neuroscience.

What are some basic ideas of positive psychology?
Positive psychology focuses on what makes individuals and communities thrive; it explores the virtues and psychological traits that lead to flourishing. Positive psychology assumes that people want to leave meaningful lives. The Character Strengths and Virtues book, developed by Seligman and Peterson, identifies the six core virtues of people:  wisdom and knowledge, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, transcendence. When developed, these contribute to leading a fulfilling and meaningful life. Additionally, positive psychology evaluates the role of negatives in our lives, and how we can best respond to them to maximize our potential and not let them interfere with our growth or life experience. Grit, a trendy topic during the past few years, comes from the field of positive psychology.